TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have One more spot wherever American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: supply Everybody a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It is Trump Tower Damascus not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he ought to quit utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the venture, replied, "You realize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from House, a characteristic currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where by's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting notice from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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